a time for mourning... and a time for rejoicing

It's been a rough couple of days... I lost my mom Saturday (8/4).

Sometimes it's just hard to breathe. When I think about all of the things that I want to say or do, it gets overwhelming. I was always thought of my mom as young and spunky... no one expected such a sudden loss. The last time I talked to her she sounded like her normal cheery self.

We are having a memorial to honor my mom and I want to say a few words...

I was so grateful to spend a lot of time with her in the last 2 years
I needed a lot of help (with my son)
She was always there, just there, for whatever I needed.
never lacking in kindness or care.
We had more things to do, more things I wanted to say to her.
More time just being together, shopping, painting nails, playing and watching the kids grow, watching sports, who will cheer for the underdogs?
I will miss how she loved the holidays and traveling and all her cats...
I miss my mom's smell.
she always smelled so good, as cheesy as that sounds,
it was my mom.
She was a beautiful woman inside and out
I always admired that about my mom
her friendliness and her cheerful attitude
Although I hate that she is gone, I know that she is with the Lord and her parents who I know she has missed so much.

I will never forget you mom.

Here is a picture from my mom's memorial... a rough day but honoring my mom, it was very special to have so many family members come to honor her.

Now it has been almost a month, ... it is still so fresh on my heart. Tears still come for a moment here and there everyday. Why is it so hard not to think of the "what if's" and the I wish I would have said this or done that... I am working on that. Also, it's these times that I wish I were not a nurse, you can't turn off the nurse brain. Those of you who are, can understand what I am saying... The why's run deeper than the typical why's for a nurse or someone in the medical field. One day soon, I hope to shove those questions in my "gray" box, I call it... the one I put all my questions in only God can answer.

I loved my mom, she was not the typical mom to me that others have. Never nagging or giving unwanted advice, not pushy or overbearing. She was kind and easy-going. She was just there for me and our family, always. I have great memories of her. It's hard not to just want to call her and see what's going on, even if it is just nothing. It still feels like a terrible dream... I'm praying and leaning on God every minute of the day. Thank you so very, very much to those of you who knew and sent cards and words of encouragement, it means so much to my heart.

Ironically enough... our visits to Phoenix are becoming quite spread out. Thank the precious Lord that I was able to be up there for an appt. just the week before she passed. It was short but still time spent. And here is the reason to rejoice, David is doing so well. Our most recent visit to the developmental doctor was very encouraging! She with tears was so pleased with David's progress and the outcome he is having from such a hard start. She scored him very close to his normal age for development. He wouldn't count for her (even though he can count to 20!) and that would have given him a ton of points. My sweet boy is not walking yet but can take a few steps and his balance is getting better everyday. He speaks in full sentences... latest was, "Mommy, I want to take my milk in." Or I told him to put his clothes in the laundry basket and he says, "You do it." What?! I just laughed. Joel and I are constantly looking at each other and giggling, but knowing in our hearts what an amazing blessing we have. A time to rejoice, no doubt.

He continues to sing, sing, sing... so many songs I cannot name them all. Anywhere, anytime of the day... He knows his ABC's too. He loves to do what sissy does, but boy do they fight too! Anna is doing great as well. She definitely has some understanding regarding the death of my mom. We were reading a story out of her devotion the other day about Elijah and how he was taken up to heaven, and Anna blurts out, "Just like Grammy!!" It was very, very sweet and dear to my heart. She wears things in remembrance of Grammy, too.

On another note, Anna learned how to swim this summer and just this week how to SWING by herself! It is quite the milestone, especially for mommy. :) She loves to play the piano and even knows a few songs. She is just starting dance again at our church and continues with preschool.

We are also enjoying daddy's return home, with a nice vacation in July. It has been so sweet. The children took to him perfectly, giving him lots of love... here is the homecoming picture.