T-W-O

As I title this post, I remember what the year of the two's brings, oh man, here we come! BUT I am a blessed mommy of an extraordinary two year old!

I wanted to think back a bit about David's life and how far we have come. As much as I block it out, I do remember those dreaded days long ago... exactly two years ago. The life-sucking words that were said, days and months of waiting and praying, a family separated, physical and emotional pain, and more. Rarely do I read what I wrote in the beginning, (I don't have to, it happened to me!) but I do remember holding back a bit about some of the details of life that were not so great. And now I wish maybe that I didn't. But maybe I thought people would realize that I was in excruciating pain at the time physically and emotionally. Did I need to say it? Who knows? Anyway I was.

I remember the first six weeks and the quarter of a mile walk I had to make, every day, after my not-so-normal C-section. That was terrible. I remember at one point weeping to Joel when we were getting on the elevator leaving the hospital one time, when I said to him, "I have no control over anything. Nothing. Not my body, my children, my emotions, nothing. I can't do this!" It was so overwhelming and I was struggling. I have teary eyes just thinking about it. If you don't know me well I am a type A personality, IN control of myself and others. :) And so on. You know the type.

Anyway, life was pretty rough as you know, for a while. I can say that the peace I felt about David and his future was amazing. And I can thank God and you for that. Lots of words were spoken about David, but in my heart I knew he was different. His eyes told me. Those sweet eyes.

I have an old and sweet friend from college that has a blog, Fuzzy Granola Life, she posted this one day and I felt like I could respond a little to that. (And by the way, she has a fascinating blog about being a mom and a doctor, you should read it!) In this post, she lists her fears of being a doctor and what makes her heart pound in the NICU. I'm glad she is so vulnerable. Unfortunately, David's history in the NICU made the list. But here is my response, we knew what the worst could be (or I did), but David was our child. Period. No amount of home care, expenses, or inconveniences would have changed our decision. I remember doctors asking us about whether we wanted to consider life saving measures a few times... Joel asked them never to ask us again, the answer was yes. Do everything you can and more. It's hard I'm sure because people don't really know what it will be like when it is time to go home, especially the lay person (or those outside of the medical field). I remember telling Joel, he may live with us forever and so on. Believe me, even with my amazing boy David, it was rough for a few months after we were home. I was out of my mind. No sleep (I mean really like 20 min, not kidding) and miles of stress. The beeping from his heart monitor would literally give me physical pain deep in my stomach when it would go off (which hello that meant his heart rate was under 60, who wouldn't have some stress!!). And sometimes this would happen while I was driving on the freeway. Not okay. But steadily, David outgrew things and conquered things. This is what I want people to hear. Life does continue and you still get to be somewhat normal.

What I really want to say to NICU doctors is, tell me the whole story from all aspects, tell me that there could be some hope, tell me the good things, it's ok! Tell them about my child and what he is like. The only doctors (in the NICU) to give us hopeful news were neurosurgeons, believe it or not. We were so confused we didn't know what to expect. No one really knows is the point, right? Except God. I remember them telling us that they knew of a girl that had the same diagnosis as David, how she unless examined extensively had no deficits. What?! Awesome, praise the Lord! I don't care how many lawsuits there are in the world, it is okay to give both sides. Tell me everything, that's what people want. Good and bad, horrifying and miraculous. FORCE the developmental doctor to visit them! They have the current research, they see these kids everyday. I remember the day that I was challenged by mine (or David's rather). We talked extensively regarding this matter, of not giving all of the information by the NICU doctors, and she was not happy. In fact, she went as far to say that they were mostly wrong. That she sees and tests these kids and the deficits are not anywhere near what I heard them say. When your world is wrapped with a precious baby and an unknown future, hope is sometimes the only thing that will hold you together.

Please don't get me wrong in this writing, the NICU doctors were vital in David's birth and survival. They were present and ready to do whatever it took, they took time to answer questions and keep me in the loop. I really did appreciate everything they did for David! And as a side note, the nurses were phenomenal as well and always gave us hope for David's future.

AND he is doing so much! He is starting to talk and mimic words, the most recent was touchdown during the Superbowl! He is eating much better, he giggles when he eats ice cream. He is still the most lovable and cuddly boy you will meet. He is starting to get feisty with his sister... most recently a bite on the toe (it would help if she didn't put her foot in his mouth). He wants to walk (and he has some new orthotics to help). He loves to play outside in the dirt and eat rocks. Ugh! He wants to be where his big sis is. He loves to slide. He is very curious and is starting to explore the toilet... And he just learned how to stick out his tongue, it's hilarious.

It has been a busy, love-filled, blessed two years to say the least. The journey continues and we can't wait to see what God has in store for our boy!

p.s. Here is a little note to D on his birthday... from the loving daddy who used to sing to his little incubator at night in the NICU.

David,

Happy Birthday!  May the God who makes the lame to walk and the blind to see bless you this year.  May He heal you, body and mind.  May you bring joy to those around you.  May your life be a witness to the greatness and goodness of our God. 

Love,

Dad